he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
so let's talk penis.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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