mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Randomize
