I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Bang-toberfest begins!!
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Randomize
