the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
