if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
well you can't waste a boner
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
