Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Randomize
