I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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