haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
