I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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