im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I haven't been this sober since birth.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
