I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
