you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
