i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize