The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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