I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
FUCK WHALES
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
