Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I just blew my weed a kiss
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
