oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
