I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
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