Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
