i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
