i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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