i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
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