My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
