I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Randomize
