You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
