Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
is wine microwaveable?
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
