i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize