Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
