after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
