My friends, they love my intelligence
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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