Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
