ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I did not marry a roomba.
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