Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
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