I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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