my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
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