He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
