My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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