I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
