I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
why didn't you poke me back
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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