The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
