I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
