First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
