omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
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