if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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