Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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