From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
