im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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