Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
