I looked at my own cervix.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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