I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
