: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
