Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
3pm strippers are depressing
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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