how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
