I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
