Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
