Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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