I accidentally had phone sex last night
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
