Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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