You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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