hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Randomize