Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
