yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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